Synopsis: A quirky and bloody fifteen-minute comedy about the telemarketing industry. Barb and Deb are the hosts of a show that sells NIhIlos pills. They will do and say anything to sell their product which may be a problem since Nihilos makes them severly incable of forming any humane emotions. The show gets really bloody when a pregnant young lady volunteers to try out Nihilos.
BARB - A TV host with the most horrible fake tan you can possibly imagine and ornamented heavily with all kinds of tacky jewelry. Her bleached hair and teeth additionally accentuate her orange tan. Her head is wrapped in a bandage, but stylized so it goes nicely with her hair style. DEBBIE - Barb's co-host who has extremely large 'fake' breasts. Her face can hardly move with all the Botox and Nihilos she consumed prior to the show. Her smile is permanently fixed to her face. She is also wearing lots of jewelry and her face is glistening with the abundance of the skin products she is wearing. YOUNG WOMAN: She is in her mid 20’s and is wearing a long lightly colored dress. She is pregnant and somewhat shy.
Stage is arranged as a TV studio. There are lots of tasteful and non-intrusive colors (the likes of which you would find at Starbucks or Panera Bread), lots of pleasant looking plastic flower arrangements and bright lights.
BARB: Hi and welcome to today’s special hour! Deb, before we begin can I just tell you how excited I am about our today’s special?
DEB: Yes you may Barb. Tell me.
BARB: I am very, very excited Deb. When I heard that we have Nihilos back, I told my husband: Bill, we have Nihilos back, so you better grab that hammer! (Pause for a dramatic effect) And he did!
They both laugh stupidly.
BARB: That’s right! I swear. They laugh stupidly some more.
DEB: When I heard Nihilos were back, I pissed myself all over.
Awkward silence as Barb stares at her.
DEB: I’m just joking.
They laugh stupidly even some more.
BARB: Oh you. (They laugh again) Ladies and gentle men, we are now offering Nihilos – one problem at the time - at our amazing price of only 120 dollars.
DEB: Only today!
BARB: Only today, yes, and we have two colors left for you: this luscious pearl white and this gorgeous vanilla white. Purple and beige have been sold out and..oh! ( Bell sound. Somebody from the studio talks to her via the invisible headset) We have only three million boxes left in our stock ladies and gentle men! That means that three quarters of our stock have already been sold.
DEB: I am not surprised at all.
BARB: Me neither Deb, because this is the product that everybody has been waiting for, isn’t it?
DEB: (Pause as Barb waits for her to say something significant and build up the product value, but Deb is only waiting for the information to reach her brain. Finally.) Yes.
BARB: This a perfect gift for every occasion and you really cannot go wrong with it. Maybe you have a wedding coming up..
DEB: I love weddings.
BARB: I know you do… or you have a college student going to school soon. This is the kind of present that will make their experience special and keep you connected beyond anything.
DEB: Beyond anything!
BARB: And you cannot go wrong with it!
DEB: You can’t. Christmas is right around the corner ladies.. (Barb looks at her watch and shows it to the audience in an overly presentational manner. Their lines overlap.)
BARB: Only nine months to go!
DEB: ..And this is the perfect opportunity to get a perfect present for that special somebody (They both sit and spread their legs. They laugh suggestively and their legs shake suggestively high up in the air) and show them that they deserve only the best.
BARB: Exactly, and you need to get them now because you will not find a more affordable price then this. I actually challenge you try because you won’t! (She laughs) Retail price of Nihilo – one problem at the time - pills goes from about 120 to 200 dollars, and we are offering it today for only 120 dollars! 120 dollars ladies!
DEB: And Barb, I honest to god don’t know how we manage to sell them at this price. This product is worth so much more.
BARB: Oh definitely! This product completely changed my life Deb. Before I discovered Nihilos I used to wake up in the morning wanting to go back to bed immediately.
Deb grabs a tray of Nihilos from her table and walks over to Barb’s cube - SR. She is staring at the audience and smiling the entire time. She puts her hand on Barb’s shoulder and strikes the pose.
BARB: I was completely a different person Deb, living with my darkness and agony. I would sometimes literally see myself in the mirror and not recognize myself. The only thing I thought about for two years was a suicide and a plastic surgery.
DEB: And plastic surgeries are so costly.
BARB: Exactly! And suicides are illegal so there was literally no way out for me. Until I heard about Nihilo. (she takes one from the tray) Nihilo completely changed my life Deb and gave me that new sense of control and peace that I longed for for years. I now look forward to every single day knowing that Nihilo is here for me. I am the master of my own life and I feel like nothing can harm me any more Deb. Nihilos are like a magic shield that protects from all troubles and it does not wear off or leave unsightly marks like other products do!
DEB: That’s right Barb! Have any of our guests the studio tried Nihilo? Do we have any success stories today? They all look so shy hahahahaha.
BARB: Don’t be shy!
DEB: Well I am glad you have not tried it because now I feel like Moses bringing his ten commandments from Mount Sinai! (She laughs)
BARB: I am amazed that our audience has not tried it yet.
DEB: Well we do have a good news for all of our studio guests.…If you look under your seats you will see a present that our management provided for each one of you…Yes go ahead and check!
They wait for the audience to check under their seats.
BARB: Are we giving away free Nihilo packages??!!? That is wonderful Deb!
DEB: Do you see our present? Have you found it yet? (pause) No you haven’t because there are no free presents in our show! You have to pay for them all.
BARB: And these prices are so affordable Deb that it almost does seem like a free gift!
BARB: But we can have a volunteer maybe to try Nihilos out for the first time?
DEB: Of course! Do we have any volunteers?? Let me see your hands? Anybody? No? Anybody? No? Anybody? No? Anybody? No?
BARB: The woman in a condition!!
DEB: Condition! Where? Woman in a condition!
They drag a pregnant woman from the audience to the center of the stage and stand close to her on either sides. They breathe heavily and their faces are close to woman’s. Woman is uncomfortable.
DEB: Welcome honey, you have a…condition. (Deb rubs her belly while still staring at woman’s face).
BARB: I love babies! (She says it with slightly cannibalistic tone)
DEB: Me too. They smell nice. Young Woman starts sobbing uncontrollably.
DEB: Or not?
Deb and Barb take a few steps away from woman. They do not know how to react. Awkward silence as woman sobs.
BARB: This is wonderful because this woman is obviously troubled. Are you troubled honey?
Young Woman nods.
BARB: That’s what I thought.
DEB: Babies sometimes have acidic smell to them because of all the milk they eat.
BARB: What is your trouble honey?
Young Woman points to her belly.
BARB: Baby is your trouble!
DEB: It’s the smell, I told you.
BARB: Is it the smell honey?
Woman shakes her head disapprovingly.
BARB: Well what is it then?
WOMAN: I just..I can’t.. . I don’t have..(she cries)
BARB: (Barb notices there is no ring on woman’s hand. She grabs the hand) Oh, so you’re not married? (woman shakes her head) And your family won’t help you out either (woman cries louder)?
DEB: Have you thought about abortion?
WOMAN: God no! I don’t want to kill my baby. And I’m too far anyway. It would not be safe...
BARB: Well young woman, we might be able to help you! Deb, hand me our Nihilo please. Here honey, drink this; it will make you feel better.
Barb hands her a pill and a glass of water. Young Woman drinks it.
DEB: Do you feel it?
BARB: Nihilos work instantaneously ladies and gentleman and they do not carry any danger of addiction either.
DEB: Or unsightly marks. It’s magic really.
BARB: Do you feel better?
DEB: What exactly do you feel? Describe it for our viewers.
WOMAN: I feel…nothing…I don’t feel anything.
BARB: That is wonderful! Isn’t that wonderful? She doesn’t feel any pain anymore.
Deb encourages audience to start applauding.
BARB: So, now that you’re clear headed, what is your next step in a problem resolution?
WOMAN: Getting rid of it?
DEB: That is wonderful. Please give a supportive hand to our brave young woman!
Another round of clapping.
BARB: This is exactly what Nihilos does – gives you a strength you need to deal with any problem and helps you face it instead of running away from it.
WOMAN: How do I get rid of it?
DEB: Well…you get it out…and get rid of it, right, Barb?
BARB: You lie down and get it out. It’s that simple.
WOMAN: Lie down…? (Points to the counter)
DEB: Yes. WOMAN: Here? (She lies on the counter)
BARB: Deb I don’t think we have time.
DEB: Oh we have time. With Nihilos – one problem at the time - time is always on your side. Yes lie down. Ok, that’s wonderful. I love your hair!
BARB: It’s absolutely gorgeous.
DEB: So you want a spontaneous one or a real thing?
WOMAN: I don’t know.
DEB: Spontaneous it is (She pushes Young Woman off the counter). Hahahahaha You’re suppose to land on your belly you silly goose!
WOMAN: Oh sorry.
BARB: Let’s try a real thing.
DEB: How do you feel?
DEB: You ready?
Deb punches Young Woman in a stomach.
DEB: How was that?
DEB: Good. (Punches her even harder) How was that?
Deb punches her again and continues punching her until woman falls on the floor. Woman is screaming at this point.
DEB: Will you help me out, or are you just gonna watch Barb?
BARB: Oh sorry!
Barb joins in. They kick the screaming woman in her face and stomach while the Young Woman is trying to defend herself. Eventually woman falls on the ground and they continue kicking her until woman stops moving. Woman’s white dress is covered in blood – especially the crouch area.
DEB: Ok, Ok! I think we’re good!
Deb slowly approaches the unconscious woman, lifts her dress and looks at the bloody crotch.
BARB: Oh..no. (Looking at her own bloody hand. Her hand begins to shake)
BARB: It stopped working (Barb shows Deb her broken wrist watch)
DEB: Well, it’s not a real is it?
BARB: (snaps) Of course it’s real! I don’t buy fakes…Is it real..
DEB: Oh…(remembers the woman) How are you young woman? (Woman does not respond) How are you young woman?
BARB: Here, give her this.
Barb hands Deb a glass of who water who then pours it on woman’s face. Woman begins to cough and fight for air.
DEB: How are you young woman?
WOMAN: I’m wet.
DEB: Yes you’re wet, but your problem is gone.
WOMAN: Really? (Woman looks at her belly)
DEB: You’re problem is solved and it was all thanks to Nihilos!
BARB: Thank you Nihilo! Get up young woman!
WOMAN: I can’t get up.
Barb and Deb look at each other with a look full of terror.
BARB: Well, we just have to solve one problem at the time!
DEB: One problem at the time, that’s right!
Woman crawls towards the audience and leaves a bloody trail behind. Happy Jingle Muzak plays in the background.Deb and Barb laugh like they’re both on crack.Blackout.