Synopsis: Old Tyeresias, Creon and Oedipus are stuck in Hades for centuries. They are extremely bored and horny so they come up with a solution - to turn Tyeresias into a woman. Since Tyeresias is a cross-dresser as it is and since he lived as a woman for seven years, he does not mind the plan. The only problem is that they are in Hades and that the old prophet's transformation into woman requires a living snake.
CHARACTERS: TYERESIAS - 87 years old CREON - 75 years old OEDIPUS - 83 years old
PLACE: Hades – Not pretty
Tyeresias dressed as a Marilyn Monroe faces the audience and slowly puts the makeup on. This goes on while the audience enters the space. Creon and Oedipus burst into room chasing an invisible lizard.
OEDIPUS: It went under the sofa, under the sofa!
CREON: No, chair! Under the chair! Hold..
OEDIPUS: Close the door. Oh! Slowly!
CREON: There are no doors stupid. Get a bag! We need a bag.
OEDIPUS: Oh shit! Stop, stop! WoW! Sofa! It went under the sofa again. We need a bag…
CREON: What sofa?
OEDIPUS: The sofa stupid, are you blind?! The sofa sofa (points at the bed)! Walk slowly! You’re scaring it.
CREON: You’re scaring it! And this is not sofa stupid, it’s a bed.
OEDIPUS: This is a bed? It’s a sad bed…
CREON: You’re a sad man.
OEDIPUS: We have a lot of sad furniture here. (Beat) Shit! Where did it go?
CREON: The wall! We need a bag! Go get a bag.
OEDIPUS: You go get a bag!
CREON: Go stand at the door!
OEDIPUS: We don’t have a door stupid!
CREON: A door-frame stupid! Shit! Just go watch the door. Watch the door!
OEDIPUS: I’m watching! Tyeresias..it ran under your dresser!
The invisible lizard goes near Tyeresias’ foot; he follows it with his eye and then steps on lizard’s tail. He picks the lizard up and brings it close to his heavily powdered face.
TYERESIAS: This is not a snake.
OEDIPUS: Yes it is.
CREON: Yes it is.
TYERESIAS: It is not a snake! It’s a lizard, not a snake.
OEDIPUS: Yes it is.
CREON: It’s a snake.
TYERESIAS: Snakes don’t have legs.
TYERESIAS: Snakes with legs are called lizards and this is definitely not a snake.
CREON: It has legs? Let me see…Yeh..it has legs. (pause) It has legs Oedipus.
OEDIPUS: Well…at least try. It might work. You never know.
TYERESIAS: It needs to be a snake.
CREON: Well try it at least. It can’t hurt, right?
TYERESIAS: Unless you’re a lizard. Creon laughs as if this is the most hilarious remark in the entire history of the human kind. Tyeresias and Oedipus stare at him as if fichus suddenly grew out of Creon’s nose.
Tyeresias picks up the knife and chops the lizard in two halves.
OEDIPUS: It looks like its dancing doesn’t it?
TYERESIAS: People don’t shake like that when cut in half, do they?
CREON: I don’t think so.
OEDIPUS: I think they do sometimes.
TYERESIAS: I don’t feel any different.
OEDIPUS: Are you sure? Go lie on the sad sofa.
CREON: The sad sofa.
Tyeresias moves slowly and sits on the edge of the bed. He is gazing awkwardly at Oedipus and Creon. Oedipus silently sits besides Tyeresias. Creon squishes to the edge of the bed making the two move and forcing all thee of them to sit very close to each other. Three old men stare awkwardly into the space in front of them.
OEDIPUS: What’s that smell?
CREON: What smell?
OEDIPUS: It smells like rubbing alcohol.
TYERESIAS: Nail polish remover.
OEDIPUS: You have pretty nails.
CREON: Yeah, they’re really pretty.
Oedipus suddenly puts a hand on Tyeresias’s exposed tigh. Tyeresias slaps him instantly. Silence. They stare into the space in front of them.
OEDIPUS: I like your hair too.
TYERSIAS: It’s a wig.
OEDIPUS: Well it’s pretty…It brings out your eyes more, kind of.
TYERESIAS: Yeah, blondes look good in creams and taupes.
Tyeresias takes Oedipus’ hand and slowly puts it back on his tigh. Creon stops gazing into the space and watches while Oedipus begins to rub Tyeresias’ tigh.
CREON: Should I leave?
TYERESIAS: No, why?
CREON: I’m just asking.
OEDIPUS: Do you want to lie down?
TYERESIAS: Me? Why?
OEDIPUS: It’d be more comfortable.
Oedipus and Creon stand behind the bed. Tyeresias slowly lies down. His hand and his legs are tense. He could not get more tense and uncomfortable even if he wanted to. He looks like a wooden plank.
CREON: That looks more comfortable.
OEDIPUS: Do you want a blanket?
Creon and Oedipus throw a blanket over Tyeresias. He looks like a corpse covered from head to toe.
CREON: Is that better?
TYERESAIS: Yeah. Kind of warm tough.
OEDIPUS: I’m kind of cold.
CREON: I’m warm too.
TYERESIAS: Do you want to come under the blanket…Oedipus?
OEDIPUS: Yeah. For just for a minute.
He lies next to Tyeresias under the blanket. His hand travels under the bed examining Tyeresias’ body as the scene progresses. Creon is depressed and disgusted with this scene. He goes to the dresser on which Tyeresias cut the lizard.
CREON: It’s still moving.
CREON: The tail. It’s is still moving.
OEDIPUS: Lizard’s tail?
CREON: Yeah…I can see only one half tough. Only the tail. Where’s the other half? Are you sure you cut it in half?
OEDIPUS: He did, you saw it.
CREON: (thinks) I think you cut the tail.
OEDIPUS: No, he did cut it in half.
CREON: Weird.…I don’t remember seeing that lizard it cut in half.
OEDIPUS: It was a snake.
CREON: It was a lizard. Snakes don’t have legs.
TYERESIAS: Some of them do.
CREON: They do?
TYERESIAS: …They all have rudimentary legs, right? Sometimes they break through the skin and kill the snake. (The two look at him in wonder) Sometimes they do.
Creon slowly smears Tyeresias’ lipstick around his lips and looks at himself in the mirror.
CREON: I’m cold.
TYERESIAS: Come under the blanket.
CREON: I’m not that cold.
OEDIPUS: Oh shut up and come here.
Creon walks to the bed and crawls under the cover. The End.